Funny Stories
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and quiet.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.
After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "To the kitchen."
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replies, "Sure."
She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that."
She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."
He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
A chemist, a physicist, and an economist were passengers on a flight that crashed in the middle of the ocean. Swimming to a tiny island, they discovered water but no food, so they were overjoyed when a crate of canned food washed up on the beach. The chemist lost no time in getting to work on a chemical formula that would dissolve the lids of the cans. The physicist picked up a boulder and set to work calculating the angle and velocity of the blow which would pierce the cans. Observing their frantic efforts, the economist simply picked up a can, scratched his chin, and said, "Let's assume we have a can opener..."
Halfway through the term, the freshman wrote home, "Dear Dad, I'm broke and have no friends. What should I do?"
His Father wrote back, "Make friends at once."
A tightwad owed a wedding present and everything in the store seemed way overpriced until he spotted a lovely porcelain vase which had unfortunately been broken. The storekeeper was delighted to part with the damaged item for a low price, and agreed to ship the item to the newlyweds. The next week the cheapskate received a note thanking him politely for the vase, which suited the couple's taste exactly. It concluded, "Thank you, too, for taking care to wrap each piece separately."
"Henry Junior thinks money grows on trees", the overworked businessman complained to his secretary one day. "Tonight he's getting a talking-to that'll really get across the value of a dollar."
"How'd it go?" asked the secretary the next morning.
"Not so good," he admitted glumly. "Now he wants his allowance in Deutschmarks."
"I finally snapped", the man said. "Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof."
"What did you do?" asked his friend.
"I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift."
"Did it help?"
"I'll say. Tomorrow we're selling my golf clubs and fishing equipment."
There was a farmer with a two-seater outhouse, and one morning he happened to be sharing it with his none-too-bright brother-in-law.
"Dammit," cursed the farmer as he pulled up his overalls. "I Dropped a quarter in the dang hole."
"Don't worry, buddy, I'll get it for you," offered his companion cheerfully, pulling out a $5 bill and tossing it into the farmer's hole.
"What'd you do that for?" asked the bewildered farmer."
"Hell, you didn't think I'd go down there just for a quarter, did you?"
Responding to a burglar alarm in an IRS office, the police caught the thief red-handed. The accountant whose office had been burgled was delighted, until he got a call from the precinct office.
"It's about the thief we apprehended in your office," explained the cop. "We found $150 in his pockets."
"What of it?" asked the accountant.
"He claims he had $225 on him before breaking in."
When Mr. Fine was audited, the IRS took exception to certain deductions, among them one for the birth of a child. "She was born in January," the auditor explained."So?" he protested. "It was last year's business.
"Now, class, who can tell me what caused the American Revolution to break out?" asked Mrs. Humphries of her freshman economics seminar.
"Taxation." replied a student in the front row.
"Very good, Sherry." The teacher turned to a boy whose hand was waving. "Yes, Andrew? Do you have a question?"
"Yeah, Mrs. Humphries. How come they teach that we won?"
After collecting her $10 fee, Madame Sylvia, the gypsy fortuneteller, informed her customer that his payment entitled him to ask her two questions.
"Gee, isn't that a pretty high price for only a couple of questions?" protested the man.
"Some people think so," conceded the fortuneteller with a gracious nod. "And you last question?"
Customer: "Gee, if these models are sold way under cost like you say they are, how do you make a living?"
Salesman: "Simple. We make our money fixing them."
Upon learning that the store had been robbed of over $60,000 worth of clothes, the manager moaned, "If only this had happened two weeks ago, while the sale was still on-we'd have saved twenty percent."
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fishbone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a surgeon was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor deftly removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon profusely and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
After concluding an impassioned sales spiel for the latest model, the car salesman paused to let it sink in. "Any questions?" he asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the prospect. "How come the $26,000 sticker price you're asking is modest, and the $400 rebate you're offering is substantial?"
Beverly Hills is so exclusive-it's the only town in America where Taco Bell has an unlisted number. And so rich-it's the only place I've seen a Salvation Army band with a string section.
A millionaire and his wife had everything money could buy - until the fellow gambled on a few bad stock tips and lost everything.
He came home that night with a heavy heart and explained their newly straitened circumstances to his wife. "Since we need to start somewhere, Myrna," he went on, "you'd better learn to cook so we can let the kitchen staff go."
His wife thought it over for a few moments. Nodding, she suggested, "Okay, George, but you'd better learn to screw so we can fire the chauffeur."
A plumber was called by a frantic homeowner to stop a leak in the upstairs bathroom. The plumber quickly took stock of the situation, took his hammer, and hit the pipe hard. The leak stopped. The customer was delighted, until she received the bill for $180.35. "This is outrageous," she protested. "All you did was hit the pipe once."By way of response, the plumber itemized the bill: "Wear and tear on the hammer, 35 cents. Knowing where to hit, $180.00.
A builder, an electrician, and a lawyer were arguing about which profession was the oldest. The builder pointed out proudly that
the first thing God had done was to build the earth.
"True," said the electrician, "but before that, he said, 'Let there be light.'"
"You're both right," said the lawyer agreeably, "but before the light there was chaos - and who do you think created the chaos?"
Discovering a leak in the bathroom, the lawyer's secretary called the plumber, who fixed it in a matter of minutes. The bill, however,
was substantial, so substantial that the lawyer called to complain. "You weren't here for more than ten minutes," he said, "and I don't charge that much for an hour."
"I know," responded the plumber sympathetically. "I didn't either, when I was a lawyer."
There was a terrible accident at the building site, and the construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder. "Hang in there, lady," he said helplessly, "the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?"
"How should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer.<"
The loan officer skeptically looked over the down-at-the-heels fellow in front of her, who had applied for a $500 loan. "Have you any collateral at all?" she asked. "A car, for example?"
"Oh yes, I have a ninety-nine Mercedes coupe," he replied promptly.
The loan officer's eyebrows rose, but she continued. "Any stocks or shares?"
"Of course. I manage my own portfolio."
"I see." She made a note in his file. "And a house, I suppose."
"Certainly, up in the hills, with ten acres, a pool, and a tennis court."
That did it. The banker rose to her feet, protesting indignantly, "You must be joking!"
The applicant shrugged. "Well, you started it."
Market Tips Translated:
"Somewhat speculative issue" = They got me on this one
."A strong institutional favorite" = A run-of-the-mill utility.
"Now trading at more realistic levels" = Now selling below what you paid for it.
"Looking at a great earnings report" = Too bad you didn't buy a year ago.
Customer: "I'd like to insure my house. Can I do it over the phone?"
Insurance agent: "No, I'm afraid a personal inspection is necessary."
Customer: "Okay, but you better hustle - it's on fire.
The machine operator comes home from the factory and tells his wife he's got some good news and some bad news. "First the good news," he says, sitting down at the kitchen table. "The factory has great coverage: I'm getting $75,000 in severance pay."
"That's great, honey," says his wife supportively. "So what's the bad news?"
"Wait'll you hear what was severed..."
Don't let me pressure you, Mrs. Schmidt," said the aggressive life-insurance salesman. "Why don't you sleep on my offer and call me in the morning. If you wake up."
Mommy, can I swim out to where the waves are breaking?" asked the little girl. The mother shook her head firmly.
"Please?" she begged. "Daddy's swimming out there."
"I know, darling, but he's insured."
"What's this for?" asked the boss of his Midwest sales rep, pointing to an especially large item on her expense account.
"That's my restaurant bill."
"Hmmmm." The boss was skeptical. "Well, don't buy any more restaurants."
The businessman decided it was time to give his daughter, a recent business-school graduate, a little lecture. "In business, ethics are very important," he began. "Say, for instance, that a client comes in and settles his hundred-dollar account in cash. After he leaves, you notice a second hundred-dollar bill stuck to the first one. Immediately you are presented with an ethical dilemma. . . ." The businessman paused for dramatic effect. "Should you tell your partner?"
The bum rang the doorbell of a Beverly Hills mansion, and rang, and rang, undissuaded by the fact that it was the middle of the
night. Finally, ten minutes later, the disheveled homeowner came to the door, pulling his silk dressing gown around him. "What are you doing leaning on my doorbell at three in the morning?" he screamed.
"Can I have two dollars?" asked the bum.
"Why the hell did you need to wake me out of a sound sleep for two goddamn dollars?" the millionaire raged.
"I don't tell you how to run your business," was the cool response, "so don't tell me how to run mine."
A client looking for a new advertising agency called the head of account services at three companies and asked them what time it was."It's two-thirty in the afternoon," answered the first person.
"I'll research that and get back to you," promised the representative at the second company.
But the answer that convinced the client that this was the agency for him was "What time would you like it to be?"
Charles Kettering was president of General Motors when Charles Lindbergh made his famous flight. When the news came over the radio, his secretary rushed in to declare, "Charlie Lindbergh just flew the Atlantic alone!"Kettering looked up from a pile of papers and snorted. "Heck, that's nothing-let him try it with a committee."
The Fallons had a tomcat that insisted on going out every night to prowl around and chase after cats in heat. And week after week he'd return bloody and battered, ears torn, fur shredded. Finally his owners had enough, and took him to the vet to be neutered. The cat lay low for a week or two, so the Fallons were delighted when one night the cat got dressed in black tie and tails, just as in the old days, and headed out the door. They were even more surprised when he was home by midnight without a spot or scratch on him. Crowding around and stroking him, they asked, "How'd you do it, old boy?"
"Easy," responded the cat, slicking back his whiskers. "Now I'm a consultant."
Employee: "I really need a raise-I've even been praying in church for one"
Boss: "How dare you go over my head!
Employee: "Three other people have been promoted past me even though I have twenty years of experience in this job!"
Boss: "No you don't. You have one year of experience twenty times - you've been making the same mistakes since you first started.
Hey, Mac, why'd the foreman fire you?" asked a co-worker.
"You know how the foreman is the guy who stands around watching other people work?"
"Yeah, but why'd you get fired?" pursued the employee.
"The foreman got jealous - a lot of people thought I was the foreman," replied Mac with a grin.
After days of tough negotiation, the senior shop steward emerged from behind closed doors looking very pleased with himself. Addressing the workers, he declared the results: a 25 percent wage hike, two months paid vacation, full dental coverage, and two hours for lunch. "And furthermore," he concluded triumphantly, "you only have to work one day a week - Wednesday."
"What?" came a voice from the back of the room, "every Wednesday?"
Running into a former colleague who'd gone into business for himself, Sylvia asked him how it was going."To tell you the truth," admitted her friend, "I never knew how stupid bosses could be until I became self-employed."
Addressing the annual sales meeting, the owner of the company loosened up the audience with a couple of jokes, as was his custom. Everyone roared except a certain fellow in the fifth row, so the boss tried a few more of his best lines. Still the guy never cracked a smile. Finally, the exasperated speaker looked straight at him and demanded, "What's your problem? Don't you have a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," the guy explained. "I'm starting a new job on Monday."
A young woman made her way to the back of the restaurant to use the pay phone. "Mr. Lewis?" she inquired. "I understand you've been advertising for an account executive? Oh . . . you're quite satisfied with the person you hired six weeks ago? Well, I hope you continue to be pleased."She hung up, and as she turned away, the bartender said, "Listen, I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. Too bad about that job."The woman flashed him a big smile and assured him his sympathies weren't necessary. "Lewis is my boss-he hired me six weeks ago," she explained cheerfully. "I was just phoning to find out how I'm doing.
The managing director had quite a bit to drink at Mrs. Witherspoon's retirement banquet, and it showed when he stood up to present her gift. "Mrs. Witherspoon, as a token of your contribution to our firm over the last three decades, we had a very special gold watch made up," he declared loudly. "It needs a lot of winding up, it's always late, and every day at 4:45 it stops working.
Not known for his tact, the boss's retirement speech for old Stumpig consisted of the following: "We're really going to miss Stumpig. He's going to be hard to replace, especially at the pitiful salary we've been paying him all these years.
Now remember, Royce - your salary is confidential and should not be discussed with anyone else in the company," the manager instructed."Oh, don't worry, Ms. Amorelli," the new employee assured her. "I'm just as ashamed of it as you are.
When Doug come in for the results of his routine physical, the doctor said gently, "Doug, you'd better sit down. I've got some good news and some bad news.""Okay," said Doug, taking a seat, "give me the bad news first.""Well," said the doctor, "you've got cancer. It's spreading at an unbelievable rate, it's totally inoperable, and you've only got three weeks to live.""Jesus!" gasped Doug, wiping the sweat off his brow. "What the hell's the good news?""You know that really gorgeous receptionist out in the front office?""You bet!" answered Doug."The one with the body that won't quit?" "Right.""And the blond hair and big baby blues- ""Yeah, yeah," interrupted Doug. "Where's the good news?"Leaning forward, the doctor announced with a grin, "I'm sleeping with her!
Say, buddy, can you spare a hundred bucks?" asked the bum."Geez!" sputtered the passerby. "Ten cents, a quarter, even a dollar
I'm used to hearing. But what gives you the gall to ask for $100?" "Mister," responded the panhandler seriously, "I believe in setting my goals high.
The impoverished child of a hopelessly poor family was asked by a social worker how he had managed to survive in such abject poverty for so long. "Keep in mind," said the pauper with a wry smile, "I had a head start.
Hear about the girlfriend who loved to have sex, but refused to take birth control pills? Her boyfriend charged her with practicing license without a medicine.
So how are things down on Earth?" asked St. Peter of the beggar who just arrived at the Pearly Gates. "Did people treat you decently?""Oh, they were kind enough," responded the beggar mournfully, "but even the kind ones never seemed to have any money.
The self-absorbed parishioner was told by her priest to go out in her community and do something kind for a needy person. Unable to bring herself to actually approach one of the unfortunates, the woman scribbled "Best of luck" on a hundred-dollar bill and thrust it into the nearest hand. The next day she was started when the same fellow approached his benefactor and handed her $1,000. "Nice work, lady," he said cheerfully. "Best of Luck paid ten to one."
A lonely stranger went into a deserted restaurant and ordered the breakfast special. When his order arrived, he looked up at the waitress and asked, "How about a kind word?"She leaned over and whispered, "Don't eat the eggs.
Now Bruno," said the teacher to the aggressive youngster, "what do you think your classmates would think of you if you were always kind and polite?""They'd think they could beat me up," responded the kid promptly.
You've always been so good to me, Dad," the extravagant coed wrote home, "but I haven't gotten any money from you in two months. What sort of kindness is that?"Her father wrote back, "Consider it unremitting kindness."
Paul Putney had planned a trip to Paris for a very long time, and the day after his retirement, he was on a plane. His old friend
Herb met him at the airport, and asked, "Well, Paul, how was Paris?""Oh, it was fine," replied the weary traveler, "but I wish I'd
gone twenty years ago.""When Paris was really Paris, eh?" said Herb sympathetically."No, when Paul Putney was really Paul Putney.
Nowadays there's a pill for everything - to keep your nose from running, to keep you regular, to keep your heart beating, to keep your hair from falling out, to improve your muscle tone...Why, thanks to advances in medical science, every day people are dying who never looked better.
At his annual checkup Bernie was given an excellent bill of health. "It must run in your family," commented the doctor. "How old was
your dad when he died?""What makes you think he's dead?" asked Bernie. "He's ninety and still going strong.""Aha! And how long
did your grandfather live?""What makes you think he's dead, Doc? He's a hundred and six, and getting married to a twenty-two-year-old next week," Bernie informed him."At his age!" exclaimed the doctor. "Why's he want to marry such a young woman?""Doc," replied Bernie, "what makes you think he wants to?
A number of years after working on a film with a glamorous movie star, a certain cinematographer was asked to work with her again. This time, however, the diva was not at all pleased with the results. "This time around I look like a hag, and in our first film I looked radiantly beautiful," she complained bitterly."Perhaps, madame," suggested the cinematographer tactfully, "it has something to do with the fact that I was eight years younger then.
The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies' man, and decided to flirt with the comely waitress. "So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. "Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first forty-five years of it, I wasn't even around.
An eager-beaver real estate agent was doing his best to pitch a condominium to this old coot in Palm Beach. Having outlined its
many attractions, he concluded his pitch. "And, Mr. Rosenblatt, this is an investment in the future.""Sonny," croaked Mr. Rosenblatt, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."
It can be terribly difficult to find the right words, but sometimes they're not even necessary. When one of his classmates died, an eight-year-old friend visited the boy's home one day after school. "What did you say?" asked his mother gently when the child returned."Nothing. I just sat on his mom's lap and cried with her.
Two old guys wonder if there's baseball in heaven, and promise each other that the first to die will somehow let the other one know. A week later, one of them dies. And a week after that, his friend recognizes his voice coming down from the clouds. "Joe, I've got some good news and some bad news." the disembodied voice reports. "The good news is that there is a baseball team in heaven. The bad news is that you're pitching on Friday.
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved cat in his brother's care. The minute he clears customs, he calls
his brother and inquires after his pet. "The cat's dead," replies his brother bluntly. The guy is devastated. "You don't know how
much that cat meant to me," he sobbed into the phone. "Couldn't you have at least have given a little thought to a nicer way of
breaking the news? For instance, couldn't you have said, 'Well, you know, the cat got out of the house one day and climbed up on
the roof, and the fire department couldn't get her down, and finally she died of exposure....or starvation...or something'? Why are you
always so thoughtless?""Look, I'm really really sorry," says his brother. "I'll try to do better next time, I swear.""Okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? How's Mom?"There was a long pause, "Uh," the brother finally stammers, "uh...Mom's on the roof."
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."
There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nursing for the aged would be appropriate.
Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to see how the old man's first day was going.
"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.
In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.
As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That's okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That's okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!"
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
The boss called one of his employees into the office.
"Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department.
"Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
"What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!"
The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"
The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."
The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He said he thinks he knows you!".
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year."
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family."
The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
"The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." With a big grin he added, "My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my mom would say, 'What?'"
An old retired man goes to his wife one day, and says to her, "I don't know how to tell you this dear, but the stock market crashed, and I'm afraid we're broke."
The wife says, "No, we're not. Let's go for a drive into town."
The husband replies, "Our savings are all gone and you want is to go for a drive? Oh well, whatever. I guess you're crazier than me." So off they go into town.
When they get there his wife points and says, "See that office building? We own that."
The husband thinks his wife is nuts so he mumbles something unintelligible and drives to the next area of the city, which just happens to be the richest part of town. His wife says again pointing, "See those five houses? We own those."
The husband is now sure his wife is certifiably crazy so he says, "What makes you think we own all this property?"
His wife replies, "Remember when we first got married and for jokes you would give me $5.00 every time we had sex? Well, I kept the money and invested it and 20 years later this is what has become of it all. Not bad, eh?"
The husband says, "Dammit woman, if I'd known you were this good with money I'd have probably given you all my business."
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security benefits. After waiting in line a long time, he finally arrived at the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry, but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
His wife says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
Miss Bea was in her 80's and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the Spring and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a crystal glass bowl sitting on top of it filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity; surely Miss Bea had flipped! But he certainly couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl and its strange floater, but soon it got the best of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." Pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking down town last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on your organ and keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I think it is working. I haven't had a cold all winter!"
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out counter. The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog, because old people sometimes eat dog food. She went home and brought in her dog. She then got the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like shit."
The little old lady said, "It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
After a Christmas break, a teacher asked her pupils how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:
We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on big three wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags because they don't know who they are. They go to a big building, called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed, because its all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very good.
There is a swimming pool there. They go into it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.
As you go into their park, their is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. When they sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells.
My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night, early birds. Some of the people are so retarded that they don't know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it "pot luck."
My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won't let them out.
After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!
When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?
'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'
The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement." After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."
Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small handgun?" "Yes dear," she said. And he rolled over and went to sleep.
Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance." The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.
Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?" the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour," the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?" the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour," the conductor said.
While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds, the conductor replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted, and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."
The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work," his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear," she replied.
At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!" he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived, and he was taken away again.
"You again?" the judge asked, "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?" the judge said. "Guilty to all counts," the conductor replied.
While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas, the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."
The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?" he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear," she replied.
It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed, and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd members. The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.
"Jesus Christ, you again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared. The conductor just shrugged. "May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!" the conductor screamed, "the ****** deserved it!" And the conductor was hauled away.
A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request. "Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said. He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away. The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body.
His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive! He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked, "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"
"I've tried telling people before," he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."
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