Advanced Corporate Planning presents one liner jokes for the chronologically advantaged

1 Liner Jokes

YOU KNOW YOU ARE GETTING OLDER WHEN

You answer a question with "Because I said so!"

You are proud of your lawn mower.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You can live without sex, but not without glasses.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You don't remember being absent minded.

You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You have a dream about prunes.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

You know what the word equity means.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You send money to PBS.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You're the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

You're very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

You're usually interested in going home before you get to where You're going.

You're good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

You're the first one to find the bathroom wherever you go.

You're awake many hours before your body allows you to get up.

You're smiling all the time because you can't hear a word they are saying.

You're very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

You're aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as yours.

You're so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

You're not grouchy, you just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...

You're positive you did housework correctly before the Internet.

You're sure everything you can't find is in a secure place.

You're wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just your left leg.

You're having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

You're realizing that aging is not for sissies.

You're walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

You're sure they are making adults much younger these days.

You're in the *initial* state of your golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.

You're wondering, "if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?"

You're anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

You're a walking storeroom of facts... you just lost the key to the storeroom.

You're a Senior Citizen and you think you are having the time of your life... Aren't you?

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

Your back goes out more than you do.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can't remember who sent you this.

People always say that hard work never killed anybody.
Oh yeah ???
When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"What do you feel is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Is it time for you to retire? Here are the signs you should watch for:

Have the beautiful young ladies in the office begun to confide in you?

Have you had to play Santa Claus at the last five office Christmas parties?

Does the guard at the front desk greet you each morning with, "Hello, Pops!"

Are you the only one at the coffee dispenser who actually was some where when JFK was shot? When men walked on the Moon? When Nixon was Impeached?

Do you get invited out to lunch with the young salesmen because you're the only one with a full-size car?

Instead of mints and TicTacs, is your desk drawer full of Tums and Metamucil?

Do you find staff meetings are the best time to catch up on your sleep?

Besides the custodian, are you the only one who has keys to every door in the building?

Nowadays, when someone needs help with a heavy box, is it you?

Are you the only one in the office who wears a bow-tie to work?

On your cubicle walls, are there pictures of Doris Day and The Beatles?

When your cohorts say they enjoy Smashing Pumpkins, do you tell them not to get arrested for vandalism?

Does your Camry look out of place next to all the trucks, SUVs and Harleys in the parking lot?

Do you know the state capitals of all fifty states?

Do fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh! Stop smiling!"?

Do you get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year?

Is your file cabinet are getting lighter, and your circular file getting heavier?

Do you find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year?

Does the janitor complain that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building- including the cafeteria?

Do you get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don't have anything to copy?

Do you respond to every new initiative with, "Been there! Done that!"?

On your way to the parking lot, do you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead?

Do other staff members complain that they can't get into the rest room because you're always there, laughing hysterically?

Did you return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week?

Do you take a "sick" day and the next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

Do you wake up hung over, You have a black eye, barked knuckles, your underwear is missing, you're in jail, and last night was the company Christmas party?

Do you hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox?

When a woman comes into the store, do you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn" only to find your boss is standing behind you and it's his wife?

While your boss is at lunch, do you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer, spill coffee on his keyboard, and it shorts out?

Does the new policy on sexual harassment include a photo of you?

Has the Security guard made a complete inventory of your work area?

Has your assistant began responding to your memos with, "Yeah, whatever."?

Does your computer say "It's for you loser" instead of "You've got mail"?

Has the Human Resources Dept requested an update of your arrest record?

Has your Boss asked if you still had a copy of your 5 year contract?

Have you noticed co-workers measuring your office when you arrived at work?

Is your parking spot relocated next to the dumpster?

Does your secretary say things like "Get the phone, my nails aren't dry."?

Are three people helping you write a "desk manual" for your job?

Is Network Support suddenly began backing-up your computer every 10 minutes?

Is there a large paper recycling box placed next to your file cabinets?

Has the receptionist begun saying "Who ???" to anyone calling on you?

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit at all.
There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology.
Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop and tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work?

MURPHY'S LAWS ON WORK

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing each morning and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.

Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There is no use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what you're doing wrong.

Anything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

To Err is human, to really fowl things up requires a computer.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.

There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, GE, etc.).

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People are always available for work in the past tense.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

The longer the title, the less important the job.

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

Retirement motivational poster:

Aim Real Low.
Reach Goal Quickly.
Avoid Disappointment.
Take Rest of Life Off.

How can you tell an old person from a young person?
An old person can sing and brush their teeth at the same time.

o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o o

The avant-garde economist was fond of pointing out how prostitution epitomizes a tenet of modern economic theory: Don't buy, lease!

Tax inspector to creative taxpayer: "Could you clarify how you thought it was legal to claim depreciation on your mother-in-law?"

I just saw a modern-day version of Faust. In the first act he sells his soul to the devil. Then he spends the rest of the opera trying to convince the Internal Revenue Service it was a long-term capital gain.

Definition of a statistician: Someone who, if you put his feet in the oven and his head in the freezer, would say, "On the average, I feel just fine.

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

The problem with being retired is that you never know what day it is, what time it is, where you're suppose to be, or what you're suppose to be doing. It's a lot like working for the government.

The boss, Ms. Bennett, always scheduled the weekly staff meetings for 4:30 on Fridays. When one of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, she explained, "I'll tell you why-I've learned that's the only time of the week when none of you seem to want to argue with me."

An enterprising woman turned a demoralized, run-down agency into one of the top in its field. It didn't cost her a penny; she didn't have to hire any experts or consultants. Her secret? Each Monday morning, she requested a report from every department head on all of the good things that had happened in his department during the past week.

We don't mind the wage cut, or the faster assembly line," said the shop steward to the foreman, "but what's this new rule that you have to be sick if you want to take a sick day?"

Lessons I've learned...

I've learned that you cannot make anyone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much you care, some people are just jerks.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others; they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless you are a politician or celebrity.

I've learned that regardless of how passionate a relationship is at first, the passion soon fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends; because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how much you may try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local newspaper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Why did the janitor take early retirement? Because he realized that grime doesn't pay.

Motivational Posters:

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

If at first you don't succeed--try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Never quit... until you have another job.

Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

Pride, commitment, teamwork--words we use to get you to work for free.

Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.

This just in ...
Officials in Washington have announced that the retirement age will increase from 65 to 67, initially affecting people born in 1938. And you know what that means ....
yet one MORE tour by the Rolling Stones.

A politician was campaigning at the retirement home.
He went up to a little old lady and shook her hand, asking,
"Do you know who I am?"
"No," replied the woman,
"But I'm sure if you go to the front desk, they'll be able to tell you ..."

Retired persons answers to stupid questions

How about never? Is never good for you?

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

You're not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

You're really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

You're already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

Thank you. We're all challenged by your unique point of view.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Bad Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

You're out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It might look like You're doing nothing, but at the cellular level You're really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh uncontrollably, and change the subject.

John Glenn's Return To Space Questions

Will the top speed of shuttle be set at 25 miles per hour?

Will he leave the left turn signal on for the entire trip?

Will he hit the accelerator instead of the brakes upon re-entry?

Can the main rocket booster be operated with a Clapper?

Will AARP now offer 10% discounts to senior citizens on space flights?

Will the test for the non-gravity Depends be successful?

Will Glenn wander away from the spacecraft and forget where he is?

Will the main cabin have night lights so he can find the bathroom?

Will he find other applications for Dentu-Creme in outer space?

Will he beam down live commercials for Geritol?

Will other politicians follow his lead and launch themselves into space?

Will a shuffle board be installed in the cargo bay?

Will one monitor be specifically designated for Matlock?

Will little bowls of candy scattered randomly about the ship?

Will a new bifocal windshield be installed?

Will space pants now go up to armpits?